almost impossible to stop eating

We’ve now been in the countryside three days.  I mean it’s pretty, and I’m sure I’d find the views fabulous – if I ever went out and saw them.  But there is literally nothing to do! 

 We have no school, no TV, no internet, and no friends.   I spent the day today, padding around, and eating.   “What should I do?”  I’d think, wandering into the kitchen.   I’d find no answer to that question, so then I’d tuck into some Greek Yoghurt.   By mid morning, I’d finished the Greek Yoghurt.   Then I’d eat some toast, then some toast, then, as a sort of dietary measure, I moved onto the carrots.  I ate all three carrots, then I started in on the lettuce.   “What the hell is happening to me?”  I wondered.   “I’m turning into a rabbit!”  I realised I had to stop eating vegetables.  So then I got out the oat biscuits.  Oat biscuits, that’s not really eating, is it?  There are no calories in oat biscuits.  Although admittedly mine were piled high with cheese and slices of apple.  I swear it… I just cannot stop eating!   I think the rest of the family feel the same.   One day our old friends from London will come down to the countryside to visit us, and they’ll come to the door, and they’ll five spherical people, all crammed in the kitchen like five giant spacehoppers.   “Thank God you’ve arrived!”  we’ll call,  “we need someone to roll us out!  Would you please come in and push!  And while you’re there, pass over the oat cakes, will you?, and the lard!  Oh yes… we eat them with lard now! pure lard!…  it’s an old country trick…!”

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